to my superhero !!!

"Who is your superhero ?" someone asked me ... ...Superman... Batman... Spiderman.. or even Hanuman.... these are the names that pop up whenever you think of a SUPERHERO.... some might even go down to RAMBO, Terminatior, super commando Dhurb... Bhokal... Nagraj... etc etc ... the list goes on.. We have grown up with all these names ... all these superheros from the characters in the comic book to those running on the TV sets to silverscreen.

They have been the ones who with their super strength overcoming the evil forces ... stopped the burning train... saved someone from falling off an empire state building...fought against all odds to save the one they love... revert the alien attack... and what not.. might be if these superheros weren't on a break they might have stopped the 9/11 ....really awesome aren't they?

But as i think more to answer "who is your superhero?".. i not only considered the phyiscal strength .. and if i look at the names that came to my mind initailly they all had one thing in common... they were superpowerful... with some superspecial ability they could climb walls... were able to fly like a bird .. like a plane .... whose stunts never went wrong ...but they were all the comic book characters.. nothing real about them ... not what i wanted in my superhero... the closest was ..Spiderman with its split perosnality in Spiderman 3 ( I havent watched " the dark knitght... and hancock surely doesnot come in my list ).

Then this guy came to my mind... he is not a superhero who stopped the running train .. not the one who can fly or has spiderwebs coming out from his wrists every time he twitched it ... he couldn't even climb walls.. but surely he did climb a 50 meter tower in NT building ... saw Machapucchre from the middle of Tarai...and he had one special quality .. which most of us lack .. which is not common to all .. not even the all the superheroes i mentioned... he could make anyone SMILE...

He taught me how to smile.. even in the hardest of time he did it himself.. he always smiled... he shared happiness... more than his sorrows, ke kept it to himself.. and thats why i call him strong .. its not just physical strength that makes one a superhero..its the mental strength in those testing time that counts ... and he also had that ability to bring out the best in anyone... and most of the time he set an example by delivering the best himself ( there aint no person who is project manager, technical expert, support engineer,labor.. all in one).

And if there is any one person in this world who i will bet my life on .. then he will be the one.

Lately he flew to Amrika ( on a plane sutpid !!! ).. and he is being missed ... i guess everone misses their superhero and its not just me.... he have left a mark into everones heart .. and he will be the one who will be talked about whenever there is something to be happy about .. something to cheer about .... and also in those hard times.... wish he was here ....but as he walked upto the departure in TIA .. he looked back and with one last superhero dialouge he said " I will be back".

...to those left behind

This is my sincere apology to all those i have left behind...to those whose memories has vanished with time ... to those who i have broken into pieces in process of joining myself together back again ...yea i was a broken man too ..i was also someones memory that vanished and i was also left behind l..but noone said sorry to me...and i felt bad...I dont want them to feel bad now ...... i dont want them to be me... i dont want me to be them..

Life is all about moving ahead.. thats what i have always learnt and i m still a firm believer in this... but someone told me "its the past that has shaped your present "... so be greatful to it...very true isnt it.. Today is the tommrrow we worried about yesterday.... we plan of tommrrow ... we think of past... we live in present...But life is not all about present past or future... its about the moment... the moment you are living in ... the moment of time....its all about the state of mind.

So i have moved ahead in life ... just as always .. but the difference this time is i am not alone ............. a small step ... a giant leap...the journey has just begun.. the road is still underconstruction...but a journey of million miles starts with a small step....but my steps might hurt someone ... my steps might crush someone ... my steps might break someone...the sense of guilt sure comes to me at times...but not always.

And I am not stopping for anyone... i will march along.. the senes of guilt will not pull me back....people will change ... feelings might change.. and in those momentary laps of time.. when i look back... just to see if the road i have walked was the right one....just to see how far i have come.... i might see those hurt... crushed ... and broken ones... those left behind....i wont just turn my head and move on...i will but with all aplologies... Leave out all the rest..

and the story never ends

"And they lived happily ever after...." the best ending one can expect. I guess all of us have come across this line, in the fairy tales we have read.. in the movies we have seen. The hero fights againts all odds .. get his queen of heart and then ... happily ever after. Why do all these fairy tales end like this? Why do most of love stories and movies end like this.. does it actually happen?

Life never ends in this.. there is a big difference between the reel life and the real life. The stages of happiness and sorrow travels in a merry go round .. what goes around surely does come around. Its the cycle of joy and pain... of smile and tears ... of highs and lows... life is a sinusoid. The thing that are pleasing you today might hurt you someday and the worst thing that happened to you today might be a blessing in disguise.

The characters might change ... the settings might be different.. life may create strange situations and plots but the story never ends ....

when the BEST in you is just not GOOD enough

"A hero is a Hero, not because he can fight with others but he can fight longer than others".. yea its so true isn't it ... and then there comes something like " Winning is not everything , but wanting to win is.." all these words of wisdom sure give me the inspiration to hold on .. to fight ... to fight longer than i have ever done.
I gave up easily.. I was not a fighter... I did not held on.. and above all I was not serious about anything.It was me 5 years ago. Who cared less and wanted more from life.

"I never fear to lose .. because i have never been a winner." Yea I don't fear to lose.. I have lost in past .. and it wont hurt be bad if I lose right now as well.. but the difference would be , I never tired in past..I was not "serious" back then but right now I am giving the best in me... stretching myself to the limit... to the extend where sometime i fear to lose myself and break down. I feel like I am fighting the losing battle... the war which i can never win.. is this what they say "CATCH 22"?

Today here I am.. fighting with all I have .. giving my best shot... holding on to whatever I can... till the last straw.I wonder what made me like this..The time sure had a change in me, like everything around me has changed in the past years .. " Winners never quit and quitters never win"...so I wont quit but if I never win then what ? Just wanting to win and not winning actually help my cause.. will i be a hero if i fight longer than others and in the end lose both: the battle and my own self respect ?

"When you lose, don't lose the lesson". yes every loss has taught me a lesson.. made me a little smarter.. a little wiser. Most people read and learn but I am the kind who have lived and learnt.. " a snakebite is not my enemy.. it taught me how to fight" Bon Jovi said it right...these things have made me more stronger.. a little skeptic in a sense but more sensible in my approach. I have been down.. I have been out... I have hit the rock bottom and even started to dig deeper ... but I have never lost hope..it kept me alive... it kept me climbing back ..no matter how many times i fell down...flat on my back. "Try ..Try until you die".. but what if I tried and tried ... and died without any taste of success?

"If you don't stand for anything, you will fall for everything".. and I have stood my ground.. the positive vibes around me have kept me stable.. kept me upright even thought there were many incidents that tired to pull the earth beneath me.. I stood .. I stand alone ... I stand tall.

"There are two kinds of failures. Those who think and never do, and those who do and never think"..but I have thought ..thought long .. thought hard.. and I am doing it .. I am doing all i can...the best I can...But among all these positive energy vibrating around me.. with my vivid imagination where I see everything going the way I wanted to... I have a feeling I am fighting a losing battle...I am fighting a little longer with the end result of defeat... I am standing for something that will make me fall hard on my knees one day... and it all happens when the "best in you is just not good enough."

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse?"

Fix You by Coldplay

One liners and Two differences

"Tears for Fears".. found this written in my College diary as i turned back the pages . I used to write those one liners...most of them taken form the lyrics and few origially inspired ones..and just on the next page on the other side i saw " Tears sometimes for Nears".. written by someone... or should i say girl from yesterday. These two one liners took be back in time... she read what i wrote... yes she used to read all those one liners i wrote but never commented on any... far better she used to be postive about thing i wrote and the way i looked at things ..but for this one she wrote her own version and softly said "its not always the fear that brings tears in your eyes abid..... its somtimes the feelings for the near ones that wets your eyes."

It was during one of those long afternoon classes ... Electromagnetics I still remember...where time almost used to stop.. when every minute had 120 seconds and even hour had 120 minutes. For those who thought time flies ... they must sit down for that lecture and they will know....theory of relativity. There was some hallucinating murumer in the class... guys in the front with their ever attentive nature listing to the lecturer and trying to draw a three dimensional figure in this two dimensional piece of paper...those on the back, some eating चना.... some listing to music, some talking nonsense with each other and those few special ones sleeping with their eyes open... everything seemed to move as a dream...and there she was right next to me saying these words..."its not always the fear that brings tears in your eyes abid..... its somtimes the feelings for the near ones that wets your eyes."

I felt it was a dream... a sequence of what i have been imagining. yea I dream with my eyes open.... special me. and noone had any rights to tresspass my dreams , they were all mine ..just mine. Even the best of my friends had no rights to critisize them..". There are things in my life that you dont deserve to touch"... this is what i said to my best buddy when he tried to write something on my diary.......but this girl came... read my lines... and wrote a contradictory statement in "my diary"...and not only that...she even tried to explain how wrong i was....the wrong conception about TEARS i had.....who was she ?who the hell was she to do so ?? ..sitting next to each other in same bench for past three semesters doesnot give her the right to write ,sharing the same tiffin and taking to each other for few minutes over the phone ( where every minutes had more that 120000 seconds) doesnot mean she can write anything in my diary and .....who gave her access to my diary and even more to write on it... must be me ..myself ....ohh...now i realise i was in a relationship with this girl ( i dont call it LOVE here for some obvious reason) ...but still my diary is mine and my views are solely mine.. but still she wrote ."its not always the fear that brings tears in your eyes abid..... its somtimes the feelings for the near ones that wets your eyes."

Just as I tried to ask her WHY and as she tried to explain THATS WHY... someone called my name..." ABID !!!!" damn it was the teacher.. Mr.Vector ...i stood up with a silly face anticipating some remarks or a question for which i didnot have any answer but to my surprise he told me to sit down immediatly....gosh he was just taking the attendence..the lecture was over.. so was the conversation regarding the "TEARS" thing...one which never started. With the end of the class.... as per my regular routine i rushed down to the canteen for my daily dose of smoke and tea with my friends ...she went for her diet of COKE......" CHUROT and COKE " ...two things where we trespassed our boundaries.. ..two things that we never liked about each other ...two things that we couldnot leave for the shake of each other.. two things that never made us one.....two things that wasnot common between us...but even as i walk down the nonexisting staircase of my university those words still rung in my ears " ."its not always the fear that brings tears in your eyes abid..... its somtimes the feelings for the near ones that wets your eyes."

Its almost been five years now.. half a decade and time really flied here... and as i look back.. those 1/2 decade had minutes with only 30seconds and hours with only 30minutes. With time the two differences we had ....added up to four...... then eight...sixteeen and so on, till our differences piled up and with these differences - distance was mutliplied between us...the common ground we stood were divided.Life surely took a nice little turn and i didnot even had time to look back at it on my rear view mirror. Its all about "moving on"... "let it be" ... "let it go"... these three words of my own wisdom kept me striding forward and with time i surely had moved on......Time had showed me differnet things ... i did things that i never imagined i would do ... i met people i never imagined i would meet.. evenmore i realised things that i never dreamt of.. Time has taught me great lessons.. Time has healed me....Time has made me what i am today..even thought they said Time never waited for anyone... but i waited for Time.

I dont write one liners anymore... I dont mind if someone cotradicts on what i say anymore... I respect others views and expect everyone to havetheir own....I have changed myself a lot in past years... time has changed me a lot. I have lost , I have gained .... i had my moments of joy and the times of pain... i have learnt to forgive and forget..but still i never learnt..... to shed some tears ... to cry.. TEARS once more...i still hung on to my principle of "Tears for Fears"... and never accepted the statement "Tears sometimes for Nears".....These things nevercame back to me till today...i never cared...it was just my past... a statement that had no meaning in my life......just as the person who wrote it...... just as the person who disappeared, the thoughts of TEARS and its feelings has disappeared in me.... things that went away , never came back to me...

But today as me and Dns dai walked back to the motorbike parking in the airport .. after the big hug with the big heart....I felt I had something in my eyes hanging like the first morning dew..it didnot dropped...it didnot dried..it stayed.For a moment i thought it must be due to the chill in the weather... or might be i need to have my eyes checked up...its getting really weak again..but then i realised it has nothing to do with the outer enviroment or my phsyical state...it was all emotion...it was all coming out from within... i dont know and i might never know from where but i had Tears ...and at that moment i thought.....was it just me or even Dns dai had that dew in his eyes....i wanted to know but as in most cases where i really want to hide my feelings, i never looked into his eyes. I never asked him ...he never answerd ... the moment has passed..But as i sat down at the back of his bike ...with the trottle of engine shaking me up and the cold gust of wind hitting my face... the dew drop was washed away...vanished..and at that very moment i understood the meaning of "Tears sometimes for Nears".

We might had a million differences by now...we might never agree on anything in future..but it was one thing that was so true, but i never realised. As Dns dai dropped me home ... and i walked down the lonely roads of Jamal with the song " Memory Remains" playing in my ears..somewhere deep down inside, i felt the soft voice come up again. ".its not always the fear that brings tears in your eyes abid..... its somtimes the feelings for the near ones that wets your eyes."